Positive and negative reinforcement are common words bandied about in parenting books and on blogs. If you head to Google, you’ll find a slew of articles talking about positive reinforcement as a parenting “hack” for good behavior.
But what is reinforcement, really? And is it the gold standard of parenting prowess that the internet would have you believe?
What Is Reinforcement?
Reinforcement in parenting is all about guiding your child towards positive behavior and helping them understand what’s expected in a way that builds connection and trust.
It’s a tool that can strengthen the behaviors you want to see more of by either offering rewards when they make good choices or removing something unpleasant when they do the right thing.
Think of it as a way to help your child see how their actions lead to specific outcomes. When kids realize that good behavior leads to something positive—whether it’s praise, extra playtime, or a simple “well done”—they’re more likely to repeat those actions. Likewise, when something they don’t enjoy is taken away as a result of good behavior, they’ll work to avoid the negative experience by making better choices.
Positive Vs. Negative Reinforcement
There are two main types of reinforcement: positive and negative. Both types of reinforcement aim to encourage good behavior, but they do it in different ways.
What Is Positive Reinforcement?
At its core, positive reinforcement rewards your child for doing something right and encourages them to keep doing it. Adding something positive, like praise, a treat, or extra privileges, reinforces the good behavior and makes it more likely to happen again.
So how does it work?
When you use positive reinforcement, your child associates their good behavior with a pleasant outcome. This connection helps them understand that their actions have a direct impact on what happens next. Whether it’s getting an extra bedtime story for cleaning up toys or receiving a high-five for sharing with a sibling, these little moments of reward build up and strengthen good habits over time.
What Is Negative Reinforcement?
Negative reinforcement is a bit different from what the name might suggest. It’s not about punishment; instead, it’s about removing something unpleasant to encourage good behavior.
Here’s how it works.
After your child behaves the way you want, you reinforce that behavior by eliminating an uncomfortable or unpleasant stimulus. The unpleasant thing goes away, and your child learns that their actions can bring relief or make life easier. This approach motivates them to continue acting in ways that avoid the unwanted experience.
While positive reinforcement adds something pleasant (like praise or a reward), negative reinforcement removes something unpleasant (like a chore or nagging). Both strategies aim to strengthen good behavior, but they work in opposite ways—one by giving and the other by taking away.
Positive and Negative Reinforcement Examples
Positive and negative reinforcement can be a bit confusing, so let’s look at some practical examples.
Examples of Negative Reinforcement
Skipping Tasks They Don’t Like After Good Behavior
If your child keeps their room clean all week, you might let them skip taking out the trash (or some other chore) on the weekend. There is more chance of your child repeating the desired behavior if they get out of doing things they don’t like.
Loosening Parental Controls
If your child proves that they can be responsible with phone use or consistently respect curfew, you can adjust the boundaries you have put in place, giving them more freedom.
Stopping Task monitoring
Do you constantly check in with your child to see if they have done this, that, or the next thing? Does it drive them nuts? If your child consistently finishes homework or completes chores, you can stop nagging.
Examples of Positive Reinforcement
Earning an Allowance
At the end of the week, if your child has completed all their chores, you give them their allowance, reinforcing responsibility.
“You Choose” Dinner Night
When your child shows good behavior all week (like putting their laundry in the hamper or completing their chores), you let them pick a meal for a family dinner. This choice not only rewards their behavior but also makes them feel valued.
“Weekend Choice” for Clean Rooms
When your child keeps their room tidy throughout the week, you let them pick a family activity for the weekend, like choosing a movie or deciding on a fun outing. The reward builds both responsibility and family connection. Always a winner!
All About Punishment
So, is punishment the same thing as reinforcement? They’re both about changing behavior, right?
Reinforcement aims to encourage “good” behavior by associating it with a positive outcome. Punishment, on the other hand, is meant to discourage “bad” behavior by associating it with a negative outcome.
Both approaches can shape behavior, but you need to think about the effect each has on your relationship with your child.
Positive Punishment
The name is misleading because positive punishment isn’t actually positive. Positive punishment involves adding something unpleasant to reduce unwanted behavior. For example, you might give your child extra chores for talking back or fighting with their siblings.
Positive punishment can be effective in the short term for stopping a specific behavior. But are the consequences worth it? Your child might start to resent you and constantly using punishment can damage your relationship.
Negative Punishment
Negative punishment involves removing something your child enjoys to discourage unwanted behavior. The aim is to take away something they like, so they associate the “bad” behavior with losing something they love. For example, your child might lose screen time privileges if they don’t finish their homework or do poorly on a test.
It’s easy to think that negative punishment is less harsh because it simply removes a privilege rather than adding a discomfort. But if your child constantly feels like they are losing out on things they love, they may get more defiant.
The Science Behind Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement can be a really effective strategy for managing behavior. But how does it actually work?
The concept of positive reinforcement is grounded in operant conditioning, a theory developed by psychologist B.F. Skinner. Operant conditioning suggests that behaviors are influenced by their consequences, meaning behaviors followed by rewards are more likely to be repeated.
Dopamine and Reward Pathways
Positive reinforcement activates the brain’s reward system and releases all that feel-good dopamine. This reinforces the association between the behavior and the reward, so your child is more likely to repeat the behavior.
Strengthening Neural Connections
Each time your child repeats a behavior and receives positive reinforcement, neural connections in their brain related to that behavior are strengthened. This process is called synaptic plasticity.
Synaptic plasticity allows your child’s brain to adapt to new experiences and reinforce frequently used pathways. When it comes to positive reinforcement, each time a behavior is rewarded, the neural pathways associated with it are strengthened. This “learning” process makes it more likely that your child’s brain will prompt them to repeat the behavior.
Self-Esteem and Confidence Building
Positive reinforcement can also help your child develop self-esteem and confidence because they feel seen and valued. When your child sees that their actions have positive outcomes, they begin to internalize the idea that they are capable of good behavior.
Using positive reinforcement also helps your child focus on what they should do rather than what they shouldn’t do.
Positive Reinforcement Drawbacks
Positive reinforcement can be a really effective part of your discipline strategy, but it’s not foolproof.
Dependency on Rewards
Rewards and praise are great…until they aren’t. The goal is to help your kids want to be “good” because it’s the right thing to do, not because they get something out of it. Rewards can decrease their intrinsic motivation and create a “what’s in it for me?” mindset.
Reward Escalation
Over time, the same rewards may lose their effectiveness, and your child might expect bigger and better things. When this happens, it can be hard to keep your child motivated (and keep up with the rewards).
Unintended Reinforcement of Negative Behavior
Positive reinforcement can sometimes accidentally reward negative behaviors. For example, if your child throws a tantrum because they want a cookie and you give them a cookie to stop the tantrum, they may associate the tantrum with a reward and repeat the behavior.
Positive Discipline
Negative and positive reinforcement form part of a much larger strategy for managing your child’s behavior. Positive reinforcement is called a “parenting hack,” but I think the real trick to behavior management is positive discipline.
You probably know by now that there is no cheat sheet for parenting. It’s a long game that takes perseverance and constant reassessment. As your kids grow and change, so you need to adjust your discipline strategy. That’s why positive discipline is so effective. It gives you a framework to work from as your kids get older.
Discipline, Punishment, and Reinforcement
Discipline, punishment, and reinforcement are often used interchangeably, but they are very different.
Punishment:
- Reactive
- Correcting unwanted behavior through negative consequences
- It is effective in the short term but doesn’t provide any guidance
Reinforcement:
- Can be responsive or reactive depending on the situation
- Encourage behavior by adding something positive or removing something negative
- It is effective in the short term but can set a precedent for good behavior
Discipline:
- Responsive and proactive
- Teaching appropriate behavior and helping to develop self-control
- It is effective in the long term because it focuses on guiding and shaping behavior through communication, boundaries, and consistent expectations
Positive Discipline in Practice
We all want to raise good kids. It’s probably the reason you’re reading this article. The trick is to raise kids who are “good” because they want to be. But how do you activate intrinsic motivation in your kids?
Positive Reinforcement
Praising and rewarding positive behavior can definitely help. A parenting pro tip is to praise and recognize your child’s effort, not just the outcome.
Have Clear Expectations
Your kids need to know what kind of behavior you expect from them with consistent boundaries and clear consequences. Having clarity helps them internalize and practice self-discipline.
Redirection
Redirection is a powerful positive discipline technique that is especially effective with younger kids.
When you use redirection, you guide your child’s behavior by diverting their attention away from the unwanted action to a more appropriate one. You offer your child an alternative that works for you and aligns with the behavior you want.
Here’s an example:
Your toddler starts drawing on the wall (we’ve all been there!). Instead of scolding or punishing, you can use redirection to guide them back to an appropriate activity.
- Acknowledge their Interest: “Wow, I see you’re having so much fun with the crayons!”
- Gently Redirect: “Crayons are for drawing on paper, not on walls. Let’s get some big paper, and you can keep drawing.”
- Introduce the Alternative: Set up a large sheet of paper on the table or floor and give them their crayons, engaging with them as they start drawing on the paper. You might even offer a compliment to reinforce the positive behavior: “Look at that! You’re making such a beautiful picture on the paper!”
Redirection teaches your child the “right” behavior, diffuses conflict, and can prevent power struggles. It’s an effective and positive way to teach your child without using shame and blame.
Positive and Negative Reinforcement is Just Part of the Answer
Positive and negative reinforcement are effective parts of a positive discipline strategy but aren’t the only tools in your parenting toolbox.
You will need to experiment with different strategies and find the right fit for you and your kids. Being a parent means being a constant work-in-progress. But isn’t there something beautiful about that? You get to show your kids what it looks like to try, fail, succeed, self-regulate, and apologize.
Do you use positive and negative reinforcement with your kids? Does it work? We’d love to hear your experiences!
