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Why I’m Putting My Husband First After Having Kids

Why I'm Putting My Husband First After Having Kids

I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I said my “I dos” that late-summer afternoon almost five years ago. In that kitschy church just off the main drag of a sleepy summer town weeks away from hibernation, I said my vows without reservation.


I knew I had chosen well. And, my experiences leading up to the big day led me to feel equipped to face any difficulties that may come our way.


Marriage was hard work, we had been told. I knew my commitment wouldn’t waiver and neither would his.  We had taken marriage prep courses. The redundant nature of the material further underscored my attitude of, “We got this.” We communicated well and weren’t the types to go to bed angry. We were good. And so, under the overcast haze of Summer’s last days, somewhat oblivious, we promised to love each other in good times and bad.


As is the case with so much in life, however, there have been parts of being married that are much more difficult, dynamic, draining, and distracting than we foresaw. The greatest distractions came before our second anniversary. In less than two years of marriage, we had become parents and found out we were expecting again. And while I wouldn’t trade one micro-moment with our beautiful babies, children have an oxymoronic ability to both bless and create a wedge in a marriage. Nursing, overwhelming fatigue, unending laundry, an (almost) always messy home, and two little people constantly treating my body as a climbing gym really took me away from focusing on my husband. In fact, I’m a bit ashamed to admit it. There have been times I’ve failed to put my husband on my priority list at all.


Recently, he and I both read an article about how one woman loves her husband more than her kids. She cited hysterical reasons like, my husband has never asked me to wipe when it’s been a particularly messy trip to the bathroom! And, she admits it’s much more pleasant to pick up his empty beer can than a sippy cup of old, hardened milk. While laughed my way through reading this and I agreed with her every word, the post underscored a hole in my relationship with my husband. We were disconnected. We weren’t us anymore.  And I had let it get that way.


The good thing is this has prompted conversation, action, reconnecting, and happiness.


When I became a mom, all of my focus shifted to my kids. I didn't even notice my marriage slipping from my priority list. Here is why I'm putting my husband first and what I've learnt as a result.


A few things I’ve learned since putting my husband first often
  • It doesn’t require as much energy and as much giving as I had thought. In fact, in putting in a little bit of effort, I get so much in return. He’s happier. I’m happier. The kids are happier.
  • We don’t need regularly scheduled date nights and a babysitter. A bottle of wine and a show we both like is really quite nice.
  • In putting my husband first, I’m really not putting my kids second. There is no chance I would let their needs or wants slide. So there really isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t be putting my husband first.


I want my gift this Father’s Day to centre on the idea of putting my husband first.

This post is sponsored by Melt: Couples Massage. All opinions expressed are my own.

Of course, Father’s Day gifts prior have shown my husband gratitude and consideration. But I want this year’s to go beyond that. I want my gift to be something that the kids can contribute to in their sweet, fun way. And at the same time, I want it to reinforce how important our marriage is. Melt: Massages for Couples is exactly what I’m looking for.


Created by a renowned massage therapist and his wife, they offer a video package containing succinct, tasteful, easy-to-follow massage tutorials. These videos are designed to reconnect with your partner. They show you how to demonstrate appreciation and love. This is done by giving a luxurious massage. In honour of Father’s Day, they are offering a special pricing to access their video series containing a 5-minute back rub, a 15-minute back rub, and a 1/2 hour massage. Included in the Father’s Day special is a bonus free foot massage tutorial and a free printable.


Here’s my plan.

I’m going to print off Melt’s free printable and have it laminated at Staples. I’m going to have my four-year-old, who is especially proud of her ability to cut on the lines, cut out the little hints for my husband’s gift. Then, both of my kids will hide them around the house. They love the idea of hide-and-seak and scavenger hunts! We will set everything up. Once awake, we will encourage him to find the clues. At the end of the day, I will give him a massage thanks to my new found skills! If you’re interesting in accessing the Father’s Day special from Melt, click below.


[bctt tweet=”Put your husband first with this incredible #fathersdaygiftidea #meltmassageforcouples” username=”parentfromheart”]

Thoughtful Father's Day Ideas, purchase Melt video package


Putting my husband first has paid dividends in our marriage and in our family. I want to continue to build on our relationship in the best way possible.


  1. SO much love for this post, Alana! Truly! I agree so much, and although I don’t practice the Catholic religion quite the way I was taught to, I remember distinctly them teaching us to put your spouse first. It’s hard, it’s a balance, but I think it’s important. This is also one of the reasons I feel one child might be all we have, because we don’t want to lose sight of our marriage and I’m so afraid adding more children to our family will make it more difficult. I could go on and on! GREAT post! I sent it to my hubby to read 🙂

  2. I completely agree! I am a strong believer that a healthy relationship builds a happy family. We aren’t overly PDA, but we like to show our kids we are In Love. It is very important. I want to treat my man to something special this year too. Above all of the cute kid gifts… a nice massage sounds like a great idea!

  3. I freakin love this post. And I totally agree. In the end your kids will benefit from putting your husband first – it gives them a confidence and security in their home environment 🙂

  4. I love this! Sometimes it’s so hard to remember one another once you have kids. My husband and I just went through that. Great post!

  5. You are so right. As a family grows it is so easy to lose sight of why you fell in love with your partner. Nourishing that relationship is so important. I am checking out that massage video!

  6. Growing up, seeing my parents happy together, holding hands, stealing quick kisses, made me hope and dream of that kind of grown-up love in my life. I have it now and hope my son sees the happiness in our marriage, in our home.

  7. A couple’s massage sounds amazing! What a good idea for Father’s Day. I also especially like your idea of putting your husband before your kids. It’s so important.

  8. Love this! I couldn’t agree more. I feel like we are at the same point right now, kind of lost “us” in the making of two kids and need to take a step back and refocus so we can go forward.

  9. I love this post! I say that to people alot and they think I’m out of my mind or that I don’t love my son but I love the way you put it: “In putting my husband first, I’m really not putting my kids second.” Well put, I’m gonna explain it like that from now on. Honestly, I’ve never heard of people that have had nice childhoods in a loveless marriage so in putting my husband first I do in a way put my son first! Thank you for a great blog!

    1. Cozette, that’s so well put. Kids who were raised in homes with loveless marriage have real struggles. And that piece of their upbringing is so foundational. I really appreciate your comment.

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